Who does Christ say I am?
Written by Kaytie Davis
Growing up I’ve always studied who God was. From all His attributes to what He did on earth. My foundation is strong! Nothing could stop me because my God is on my side! But, something was wrong. I didn’t know who I was, I was struggling with not knowing my identity. I tried to find it in all the wrong things, doing whatever I can to please others, serve them, being outgoing, and thinking I had to be the best in all I did. “Kaytie Grace you can never make a mistake; you have to be perfect.” The expectations I set for myself were unreachable. I would make mistakes big or small and I was broken. I thought over and over, “I’m not good enough.” Lying in bed, thoughts would race through my head. Which untruth would win that night? Every small mistake wrapped its sticky fingers around me. “I am now a mistake.” I hated who I pretended to be when I was around people. I hated who I was. I hated being the life of the party, always making jokes, not thinking before I spoke, having to be perfect, and having no problems. I wanted to be able to say no to helping everyone, to be quiet, calm, funny, observant, and happy. What was stopping me though? A mix of anxiety, people-pleasing, ADHD, depression, not being comfortable, and the big one the fear of being rejected, not being needed.
I was exhausted, every day was getting harder. It took all I had just to leave my cabin. I was on my second rotation at Camp Gilead when my pride held me down, I wanted so badly to call my parents and my boss to get me out! But that was out of the picture. “I have no problems; I don’t need help.” The hole my emotions stayed in was closing in like a trash impactor. Nowhere for my emotions to hide, they came out. Curled up on the bathroom floor, in a cabin I was cleaning, crying, tired, and afraid if people would find out. It started to be a daily routine to find a quiet place and cry. I felt like Dorothy, ready to go home to Kansas, but I didn’t want to be a disappointment to my parents or my church. Thankfully, I was able to take a week off and go back to Children’s Bible Ministries headquarters in Tennessee (Tuckaleechee Retreat Center) for a ladies retreat. While I was up there, I broke down to my sister Jacquelyn, one of the Intern Coordinators. The relief I felt was marvelous. Someone to hold me, to guide me, and to see the true me!
We talked for a while and she said to me, “You know who God is, you’ve studied about Him your whole life, it is time for you to study who God says you are through Him.” She had me start that night in Ephesians and Psalms. She told me to write down what it says.
I’m the image of God. I am a ruler. I am created for a purpose. I’m special. I’m wanted. I’m not alone. I’m not an accident. I am known. I’m blessed. I’m enough. I’m secured. And the list goes on. Everything that was stopping me from being the person God created me to be, could be controlled, even though it seemed like I couldn’t at that time. That my hands were tied and I’m being dragged away, fears laughing at me. My face in the dirt. My sister stopped the wagon and untied my hands. I got a little bruised, but God’s words washed my face and cleaned my wounds. She helped me get onto the wagon and take the reins. Now I’m driving! I’m free, but the glorious joys are capsized by anxiety, depression, ADHD, and fears trying to take over, trying to push me off. But my sister helped me come up with a plan to push them off.
When I feel their ropes wrap around my chest, I say my key verse (1 Peter 5:7), I pray to give it all to God, and then I call her. She walks me through my thoughts and helps me finish them instead of repeating the same little words “what if.” She helped me identify the lies and listen to the truth. Slowly getting me to be able to do it on my own.
This is a fight we fight in our minds. We do not find our identity through the thoughts that haunt us but in God, our one true Savior! When I put my mind on God’s glory, focusing on serving Him and not others I find joy in the smallest thing. Even the bad things. James 1:2 says, “Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds,” I’m now training myself to fight those untruthful thoughts! But what do I fight them with? God gives us armor to fight the spiritual battle (found in Ephesians 6:10-20) one of those is the sword of the spirit, the Bible. Philippians 4:8 says, “to think of the things that are true, honorable, just, pure, lovely and giving praise for everything and anything to God”! I’m at peace with who God created me to be. Peace and happiness that I haven’t felt in a long time. Are you at peace?
Things that helped me grow as a child of God:
- Get Out of Your Head by Jennie Allen: great bible study to reset your mind.
- At the end of the day find three things that you can praise God for!
- Start getting in the habit of doing your Bible study and prayer every day. Ask three questions after your devotion.
1: What did this say about God?
2: What did this say about me?
3: What did I learn and how can I apply it?
Kaytie is a part of the CBM Internship program, which exists to encourage young people to experience missions! To learn more about the CBM Internship program click HERE .