The Struggle is Real

Written by Kaytie Davis

 

From new tasks to simple tasks, I get stressed very easily. One little mistake I make, a flood of lies fills my head.  Now you can only imagine my first four months here at CBM (Children’s Bible Ministries) of being an intern. I’ve always had the mindset: do my best. But do my best for who? God or my superiors?

One Monday afternoon Jacquelyn, my older sister and also our National Intern coordinator, gave me the simple task of creating a Graduation program. I asked her how she would like it to look and, I quote, she replied: “This is your project. You do it how you like.” Well, little Miss Kaytie made many different options. I was so stressed, I worked on it for four hours. Exhausted, I showed Jacquelyn one of my designs. She asked a very simple question and I burst into tears, thinking I wasn’t good enough for the project and that she was disappointed in me. (She wasn’t.) I got so overwhelmed and I was trying so hard to make it perfect that my attitude became disrespectful towards my older sister. My mindset was not on pleasing my Lord and Savior but on trying to be perfect.

 Isaiah 41:13 ESV

“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.”

God holds my hand and guides me through life. That doesn’t mean I won’t have struggles, trials, and fears. I definitely have them! God has a plan, a purpose for me. Isaiah 49:1-5 says, 

“Listen to me, O coastlands, and give attention, you peoples from afar. The Lord called me from the womb, from the body of my mother he named my name. He made my mouth like a sharp sword; in the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me a polished arrow; in his quiver he hid me away. And he said to me, “You are my servant, Israel, in whom I will be glorified.” But I said, “I have labored in vain; I have spent my strength for nothing and vanity; yet surely my right is with the Lord, and my recompense with my God.” And now the Lord says, he who formed me from the womb to be his servant, to bring Jacob back to him; and that Israel might be gathered to him—for I am honored in the eyes of the Lord, and my God has become my strength…”

I struggle with the fear of man and finding my value in other people. Because of this, I get stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, and I disengage myself from everyone.  Satan fills my head with lies, ”You’re not good enough; you shouldn’t be here; someone else could do a better job than you; no one wants you here;  you can’t do it, they are disappointed in you; you are a failure!”  

I hate to admit it but I struggle to find my value, my righteousness, my grace in God. I ask myself, “How am I supposed to live when I know that my purpose comes from God?” I’ve known the truth my entire life. I was raised in a strong Christian home. But yet I struggle to find my purpose. For years that caused me to struggle with many different things. I didn’t ask for help from others or tell anyone what I was working through. Coming to this internship has taught me many things; I shouldn’t hide my feelings or try to go through struggles by myself. 

I sat there on the couch, thinking through what I believed, looking through the Bible, looking at the truth. But, again, I’ve known this so why is that not helping? I decided to ask the smartest man I know: my dad. Question after question I asked him. This question, it helped me a lot: “How do you stop wanting to do your best for people but rather for God?” 

He answered “Balance. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, ‘So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.’ We do our best but it’s really for God’s glory. Many times we get off track and we do things to please others, not really God. We try to please others for many reasons–to get something, to keep the peace, etc.” 

I asked, “How do we keep from getting off track? Because I do it a lot” 

His answer was, “I think we all do. That’s why it’s a daily choice, a daily submitting to the Holy Spirit’s control. Luke 9:23 ‘And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.’”

What is my mindset? Am I selfish? Am I living for my own desires?  Most days I would.  I wanted what I wanted. Another problem would arise with this mindset. I was always down. It was hard to find joy, to be thankful. I acted like I was “happy” but I wasn’t. Like my wise father said, it’s a daily choice! I wake up to serve my God and there are so many things I can be thankful for.  When anxious thoughts enter my head and I get lost in the world of lies, I’m hopeless. But, like Jesus in the wilderness, I need to fight these lies with the scripture like 

Ephesians 1:5, Jeremiah 1:5, Luke 12:6-7, Jeremiah 29:11, and many more. The truth is that God created me; He gave His only Son who died for my sins! And I don’t have to do anything to earn it. God gave me His grace. I have value because God gave it to me! He loves me! It’s a daily task to fight the devil. Do you have the right mindset? Are you choosing God daily? 

 

Kaytie is a part of the CBM Internship program, which exists to encourage young people to experience missions! To learn more about the CBM Internship program click HERE .

 

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